As a child, I used to be fascinated
by many things, from lady underwear catalogue books, remember those you would
find smack in the middle of those ‘YOUR FAMILY’ magazines that had lots of
hogwash on gardening and how white women should handle white husbands in white
homes and stuff, yeah those, I was also intrigued by the house maid who used to
run change in the room when I was inside...i shall not call that abuse, I knew
what I was doing and I consented. So there. What else, yes… that was pretty
much it. My life had been set to becoming some typa prepubescent pervert. Then
girls discovered the hand bag…
There is this time in a girl’s
life that, she loses the satchel and whatever other type of bag she used to
keep her tampons in and moves onto the real McCoy of sanitary pad carrying
accessories. It’s about the same time when no one is supposed to touch her bag,
kind of like a pretend goody - girl making sure no one gets to see the broad
experience on phone sex hidden inside her phone inbox. Am I talking to somebody??...aren’t I... thought so. It’s at this time that she starts smelling
like your older sisters dressing table, when she spends more than the allotted
pee-ing time in the loo….and by the way she
all of a sudden she starts calling the loo, the “ladies room”…psh … who
does that?
After a while when I was teen
ager, my friends and I would after spending some time at one of those
“functions where a whole lot of other teenagers dressed up to hook up with
other dressed up teenagers all in the hope of getting a cell number from a female teenager but
usually just sticking to designated corners of embarrassment because older
teenagers who had stolen nice cars from their dads made the dressed up
teenagers look useless” …yes, those things, we would begin to talk about how
this girl was cool because of she had a big bum or because her buttocks were
huge or about the size of her rump, you know the usual. We would always get to
this realisation that, heish, did you see that other chick, she was all grown
up and all, she had a matching handbag! For us young boys, a girl our age who
had begun to carry a hand bag was like a female social demigod with a weapon of
mass destruction, kind of like a super power attained during the course of an
adventure video game. We would know a girl of that calibre was one we would
mess with NOT! She had come of age. A woman…agh! …all in the handbag
Although today I have come to
realise the multipurpose use of a handbag, when I was younger, okay fine, last
week, a hand bag was a fake or real skin of a poor bovine species animal that
had been made to look nice when carried by a human being who has breasts ,
wears a bra and has no penis. ( the penis part is only because some guys have
breasts wear bras… and carry handbags..)
So this is what I found, a handbag is
Practically a suitcase : girls have lots of sleep overs at males people’s
houses and at female people’s houses, they never go there with a square shaped
bag with two wheels and a handle lest he thinks she wants to elope…nooo,
toothbrushes, two sets of underwear, soap, airtime, a picture of mom, a Nokia
1204 that the boyfriend doesn’t know about, a small blanket which really can
double as a wrapping towel and
nightwear, laptop, just in case there is no electricity and ‘we wanna watch a
secret lives of the Zimbabwean small house season 3 again’ and another pair of
undies can all fit inthe bag with little or no effort. I’ve tried carrying one of those and even
now, my shoulder bears scars but women can carry that burdensome load all day
and only complain about the sun and shoes.
It’s an office emergency package :
rainy days need umbrellas, shower caps, or a plastic bag from FOOD
WORLD, lady office clothes aren’t made with a lot of pockets to keep such.
These articles have to be kept somewhere just in case it rains…we need to
protect the sanctity of the hair do and sacred weave. So there you go, if you want a place to
store a tiny, I swear she got it from batman coz its sooo cool, how it can look
like a lip gloss thingy then just by pressing a button it turns into a tent sized umbrella,
shower cap of plastic bag from Buscod supermarket , hand bag can be that place.
She obviously knows that her heels
have a lifespan and one day they might break and we might see a fallen heroine…
on the tarmac, if she could, she would keep a cobbler in the handbag but they
don’t come in such sizes…pumps and other flat shoes, however, do! At such a point in time, a handbag turns into
her portable shoe cabinet, polish and all, What
if, tea or coffee or that other white stuff she that she always seems to get on
her blouse every time she goes to the bosses office when they are working after
hoursspills on to her blouse or whatever manner of top she has got on, she
needs a replacement top. .and probably an HIV test too. Where do these go tops stay? … handbag. Tell
a guy to fit in an extra pair of socks in a wallet, that would be one smelly
wallet.
It’s a lip accessory bag, this is where, lip stick, lip gloss, lip
balm, lip ice, lip hop are kept…and Vaseline.
It’s a mobile dressing table. You wonder how they look good all the
time, maybe its magic, maybe its Maybelline. Perfume, nail polish, nail polish
remover, combs, a wig, a wig remover, another comb for her best friend (aren’t
they just thoughtful),a blower, she is also a moving blower too, hence she has
to keep all that lip stuff. (chuckle if you get this, and then share it on Facebook and twitter)
and of course a mirror, you know the ones that open and contain a powdered
version of her face colour, the ones that are so small she only spends so much
time on the thing coz she can only see one section of the face at a time, left
eye check, right eye check, upper lip check, lower lip…okay..lets put more lip
stuff thereee. You get my drift.
It’s a bin:
1. half the stuff
in there is useless,
2. clutter clutter clutter
3.
and if the above isn’t true, what do you think explains them not wanting us to
open it!
It looks nice on them : in as much as I might be exaggerating the
use of the handbag, I have to admit that, ladies, you rock those things well. I
love it when I see a girl looking all metropolitan, shades and all, earphones
in her…ears I guess, lips shining in the sun, hair all done nicely walking like
she is cat walking or something in those heels…handbag… finishing it off like John Cena when he does
that ‘YOU CANT SEE ME’ thing tucked neatly under her arm handle on her
elbow…DAMN…matching everything else we can see and maybe that which we cant.
Essentially, women have turned a bag into a clothing item for them it’s like a
pair of jeans. A good pair of jeans. Congrats on that one
All the above information has made
me understand a side of women (other than the back side) and I have come to
consolidate what I knew and what’s on the ground. Surprisingly though, the girls
I asked about what they use the handbag for told me all sorts of things they
keep in it….except… they made absolutely no mention of money being kept in it.
It is only now that I understand why they didn’t say so ‘WHY KEEP MONEY IN A
HANDBAG…THAT’S WHAT WALLETS WERE INVENTED FOR..’ please note….its men who carry
the wallet…and the bill…gotta love women!
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