Every Boyfriends WORST enemy, Her EX-BOYFRIEND!

He is just a frieeeeeend!, those  are by far the  second worst group of words any girl can tell you about some cooler-than-you-looking dude who hugged her at some event, proceeded to give you a brotherly pound or fist pump, firm handshake (whatever your age group is into)  and happened to be  MAIN MAN at the event.

Oh yes, “he is just a friend” being referred to a guy who looks like The Mighty Thor compared to you who would be in this case,  a hybrid of the power puff girls and  the teddy bears from Bananas in Pyjamas. Oh yes, people, “He is just a friend” coming from your beloved girlfriend, only comes second to this very popular phrase that girls seem to say in a fake indifference/its not a big deal/ stop tripping tone when you ask her “Where do you even know him from?” and she says… “ah, he is just my ex Boyfriend…” 

AAAGGGGGH! “he is my Ex” takes the cup from “He is just a friend” on any given Sunday, or any day of the week for that!

I was inspired to write this post after this lovely girl I know seemed to take to the habit of texting me at hours only people who are dating are supposed to be awake chatting to each other, (around 10-11pm if you haven’t got it by now). I happen to have an open door policy to chatting at such hours to any girl on two conditions, that is, you are my girlfriend/are soon to be and…you are my girlfried/are soon to be one, yeap, just those two. I had to decline the pleasure of talking to this young lady because she had a boyfriend. Not that she was making any advances or that I had any motives to court her but I was defending the right for her boyfriend to be her one and only go to person for evening texts and also to defend my right against pointless "...kkkkk’s..." and the never ending stuff insomniac girls go on about. Ex-boyfriends, however,  somehow think that they have no need to act likewise, but today, I declare that they should STOOOOP IT!

HEY YOU...Psssss! YES..YOU...Mr Ex Boyfriend of My girlfriend! Here is why I don’t like you

You are taller than me!

courtesy of http://everythingclosetomyheart.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-woes-of-tall-girl.html 

Okay, I just used height here because I am just below the average male height. In this world, one should often be happy that he is better than the Ex, mostly because, by being the next man, you represent the decisions that your  current girl made when she was Older (even if by a day), wiser, (unlikely if it was in a day) and smarter! Good for you, Yay! 

BUT… you know how we chase for the bright lights and that’s what's attractive and how we then find out after life has given us a good hiding for being  thing-lovers that life on this earth is about buying a fuel saving Toyota rather than a Diesel guzzling Hummer? Well, The Ex Boyfriend is the Hummer she once owned, who wasn’t good for her, who she chose because he was bigger, better, more attractive (than you) and when he would pull up, all the girls would want a ride… You on the other hand, are that Fuel efficient Toyota, the smarter decision, the one who will be for the long haul, the one she can have her kids with and wont break her heart or attract too much attention…oh yes, You, Mr Toyota Corolla, are the good guy,you should feel good about it….until one day at the traffic lights, Mr Hummer stops beside you, revs and says… “you have her now…. But I’m still taller little punk!”  And  for some strange reason, when this happens, you can almost feel like your girl friend, his ex, got hazy eyed in the awe of her former love..however misguided about life she was when she had him.... in plain English, You are better than Him but.. He is just Cooler than you..feel me?

Ex dudes just don’t play fair sometimes

You broke her heart, can you please delete her number so I can fix whatever crappy organ you left! I live by a forgotten guy code rule that says When a guy breaks up with a girl, He should lose her number, unfriend her, unfriend her sister, cousin, unfollow her, unlike that page she created dedicated so that stuff you really never paid attention to anyway.  Pretty much, go to Will Smith at the Men in Black Head Quarter offices, kindly ask for that memory erasing flash pen, look at it dead in its lens and press the shutter! Most ex’s hate playing by that rule, Oooh they just love being in the picture, Literally!  The guy will tag her in pics that she doesn’t seem to appear in, oh, he will throw in “throw back Thursday” for good measure. He will keep that number and text her to remind her how they used to… oh I cant even think of it! You get the idea. I usually don’t have kind words for girls who tolerate their ex’s but today, If you are an ex, STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRL…you seemed very good at NOT texting her  when you were dating, stop trying to play goody now!

Her friends liked him more than you because he had a…

Car, used to get them in the club for free, worked at this cool place so he could take them all out, (something that your broke rump cant do), He had richer parents, lived on his own. The list is endless. Its almost as if ALL her friends were invested in him, the guy was Captain  America and you are like Alpha from the Power Rangers. To her vain friends, you are the downgrade they have to live with because their friend settled for you... the nice guy...the one where "its all about the insiiiiide" not his wallet..

Oh yah, and then there is the fact that he "HIT IT" first…

So we live in a day and age where premarital bang bang has been normalised,  where sex is just a thing people who date do. So, there is a likelihood that these days, if you are eighteen and above, that you have already had sex before or the girl / guy who is yours, has had sex before, and not with you. Society may make it seem like its easy to just deal with but for some guys, its hard to shake off the feeling that someone can come on and say "yeah, I hit it first". So some may say, "Who cares who she slept with first?" Let me explain it.
The world as we know it has based a lot of bragging rights plus much acclaim, discovery and ownership on whoever was the FIRST to do something. Everything from discovering new continents, the first man in space, the first man on the moon! The first Black president of the USA! A lot of things in a guys mind play around being the first to do something. Her ex, if he was the first guy she slept with, will always make you feel like the first princess in a beauty pageant who only becomes Queen after the actual winner gets disqualified for bad behavior. Thats not even the worst part, some times the world reminds you that no matter what, you are number 2, or even worse, number 1 + x (where x can be any number!). Ask Kanye West, His wife'a ex boyfriend did not make it  secret that he wanted to remind Mr West that he slept with the girl before he did... At Glastonbury festival, a fan waved this really large banner with a pic of Kim performing a sexual act from the sex tape that leaked of her and Ray J....while KANYE WAS PERFORMING! Imagine that as a reminder! 

But is it really justified?

I dont quite know, It may have something to do with jealousy, which is not always a good thing, it might be an insecurity thing. 

How can it be solved?

If the presence of ex seems to be a spanner in the works, then it could be that, you are really not being reasonable or she has not gotten over him and somehow, he is always around. What to do about it?

Well, you could share the post or comment.... hihihi!

glad to be back!

10 Things Women Want In A Man (THE REMIX)

How come stick men always come in black?...told you Africa is where man kind started!!

Maaaaan, do you guys still remember the mocking and judgmental voices of TLC telling all manner of man-dom that they don’t want NO SCRUBS, a guy who sits at the passenger side of his best friends ride!! Why don’t you want me to sit in my since childhoods friends car? What’s the problem with me riding shot gun, I mean, we are just going to watch soccer game, we can’t be wasting fuel just coz, you and your goldigging self would rather be in this car farting off in the passenger seat blaming the off smell of your afternoon air pollution on innocent city sewers! Speaking of Goldigging, remember the song BILLS! By destiny’s child, “Pay my bills” they said, “pay my telephone bills, pay automobile, so that baby maybe we could chill” they continued, they went on to say “I don’t think you do, sooo me and you are through” . UNBEFREAKINLIEVABLE! You can’t pay for your own rampant usage of that smartphone that you are eternally glued on because you are so narcistic you want to hear what suck ups have to say to every self-centered post about yourself! …and because you can’t pay for it, MEN have to pay for it… and if we cant, all of sudden the relationship is over!! WHY THE HELL DID WE LIKE THIS MUSIC!

Today isn’t about music though, in a sense, however I am remixing a post that was done by a fellow female blogger, most girls liked what she had to say. Most panty whipped men, will go home and restructure a lot after they read this, today I am here to liberate those men from this guilt tripping post girls have reposted, retweeted and shared all over the word. I have put the girls version in bold, and my thoughts of it under it, this is the REMIX

These are qualities that most Women would like their man  to have ,other qualities can be

1. A man who loves children and if you are a single mother love your children like his own

Do you even notice the reverse psychology hidden in this post, women want you to magically/instantly and with fatherly prowess like her ex’s kid even though the little bugger is noisier than fourth form class left without the care of a capable class monitor. The part that gets men in this statement is, “..love your children like his own”.  It throws us off completely and makes us feel bad for hating the little serial pee monster. It makes any man feel guilty about not being able to connect with the child, I mean, hey, “He does look like the guy who used to have sex with you on a daily, just give me a little time to do this” , That is all we ask for. Instant love for a child that aint yours is as fake as cheaply priced Galaxy S3’s. all women need to understand is “ I love you, I am sorry it didn’t work with your baby daddy, but I am childless, playing dad is hard for the real dad, so don’t expect a star performance from ME the normal guy.

2. A man who respects your alone time and gives you space when  you need it

In the immortalized words of Selma Mutukudzi “ Space Yeyi, SPACE YEYI?!”  Definition of alone time please ladies? Is it the time when you are with your lady friends, shopping and eating away your money so you can spend ours later (REMEMBER you with your friends is like us at a bar, with our guy friends having a beer, only we wont eat into your money later), is alone time, when you are reading that novel or just in that zone when you want to listen to some R n B or something (which REMEMBER  is exactly the same as us, watching a soccer game, not wanting to be bothered by nagging women). Is alone time when you want to not be touched and kissed and just are not in the mood (well… its just like when we are playing Call Of Duty and are about to get to the next stage). Women, have you noticed that , you want to cry for alone time but NEVER EVER want to afford us our alone time!! Play fair!! You say we are possessive, well we aren’t the ones who say “are you choosimg your friends over me”. Point is, do unto others as you would want done to you, You want alone time? Well…then please let us have ours too,  with no calls no insecure tones!!

3. A man that will make you soup when you are  down with a cold

Last time I checked, cold affects nasal passages, including the nose, nothing to with the legs and hands. You want soup, get up and make it your damn self!! Plus, we aint the ones who told you to go out without your jacket on. You want to show off cleavage on a winter night, be my guest, when you get a cold, thats your own problem.

4. A man who loves trying out  new things.

Probably, the man who took the statement “try out new things” too far, was the first guy who decided to perform anal sexual intercourse with another man… “lets try out new things right?” My point is, WOMEN LIKE “THINGS” TOO MUCH…ESPECIALLY FOOD!! They love using statements like, “I want to find myself” or “I want to go on a journey of self-discovery”. The point they essentially miss is, life isn’t about finding yourself, (are you frikking lost or something?) Life is about CREATING yourself. Trying out new things will make you a jack of all trades and a master of none. So please, I like this haircut, I will have it every month thank you. If you want a guy with yellow hair, go and date Sisqo!

5. A nice Scent

We don’t spray on stuff on our crotches every time we take a pee like ya’ll do. We will spray in the morning after we bath and that’s it. And Calvin Klein cologne costs three or four of your expensive handbags, think about that too.

6. A  Nice  Body

Lest women forget that they are the first one to pull out the “you are so insensitive” card  when you call them out on their weight. The really weird part about it all is that the girls who most cry out guys with chiseled features are the ones with the least desirable bodies. Fine, we get it that guys could try better in the working out department but some things are extreme, it ain’t his fault that he was born short, or is more of a Gabriel Selassie than a Christiano Ronaldo. Remember this, you aren’t no Beyonce either… Deal with it!

7. A secret sensitive side

That just sounds GAY to me….NEXT!

8. A great sense of humour

This is that one part of the song I do not change, I mean look, you have to be a funny guy… BUT, sometimes being the funny guy makes you that guy she wants to chat online with all night, the guy she turns to when she is low, the guy who she asks, whether this dress would look nice on her or not, the guy who is her best pal, the guy who she doesn’t put make up on for because she is so comfortable around him…..OH MY GOSH..this is the guy who is stuck in the FRIENDZONE!! So yes, being funny is a plus, but the downside is that most funny guys are her quick fix when in need of a smile She want a great sense of humour around her, tell her to get a frikkin JOKE BOOK!...NO kissy kissy…NO LAUGHY LAUGHY!!

9. A man who is passionate

Passionate? Passionate about WHAT!! Have you ever seen how we get depressed when our favorite team looses, have you ever seen the determination on our faces when we want to beat the stage boss on one racing game or the other, have you not seen the victorious look on our faces when we crank up the car after a full day of tinkering with its engine and the beast roars alive!! IS THAT NOT PASSION… Oh wait, you just want us to be passionate about flowers, soapies, the type of tissue paper we use..forget and smile.

10. A Steady Job

Worldwide, the economy is bad, graduates out there don’t have jobs. Sometimes hustling is the only way to go.We know the new word that women use to lessen intensity of selfish greed attached to the word ‘goldigging’ is “security”. You will hear her say, “I don’t want his money, I just want a little bit of security”. If women really want security they should invest more in business opportunities than hair…Do they really think all manner of men cut their hair instead of buy it for nothing. PSH!!

So as the beat fades away in this song, let it be known that real men will not bow down to women’s weird requests, we shall not route for the feminization of the adult male human being. Really, if you look at it all, girls in actual fact do not want a MAN to be MAN, they just want a girl with a penis!!

A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE (its not an O'level one though)

A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE…  (its not an O’ level one though)

if we dont stop spreading HIV, this is what queues will look like when people are told that whoever is HIV positive gets $147.56

Here I was at an HIV testing center with two of my best buds. What were we doing there? Well, we wanted to see if that chick from the PSI advert is taller in person of course!!!.  When we got there we found out that she actually wasn’t from Zimbabwe and the advert was shot in one of those countries where the soccer teams get to the African Cup of Nations finals and the normal adult male is either really tall and big or big and dark or just really dark. Weird though, when we got there, there was this long queue of “worried sick!!” looking people. They all looked at us with that, “so you want to get tested too huh? Why do you want to get tested huh? Is it something you did on Friday huh? Is it that girl from that club huh!! Don’t you just wish you had stayed at home and watched that movie huh?” .the way they all simultaneously looked at us made me feel like I had just jumped into an exclusively VAMPIRES ONLY club and they had just smelt fresh day walker blood… In my head, the answer was, ‘NO! I JUST WANT TO SEE IF THAT GIRL FROM THE PSI ADVERT IS TALLER THAN ME…WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? …and YES I HAVE GARLIC, A CROSS AND A SILVER TWO RAND COIN, DON'T MESS WITH ME!!”

I didn’t really say that though.  The queue had some of the hottest girls EVER, it also had some very worried looking couples. I don’t know why though, but in those couples, the girl always had that look that said, “ if I am HIV positive chete ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!” There were also some couples where the guy had this smug look that made my friends and I think that the dude had been tested two weeks before, found out he was negative then went to his girlfriend to ask her to go and get tested with him… just to freak the poor girl out or to see if the girl would have that worried look or to see if the girl would be more forthcoming to the task than when you ask a girl to pick what she wants in an imagenery airtime shop (of course I was going to take a shot at girls, would I be FRESH if I did not talk about goldiggers).

The hot girls in the queue…what can I say,  “lets see if your looks can kill a virus bleeegh!!” . There was a general bleak feel in the air, even us guys became nervous. That’s when I realised that the guy who does the voice over for “an HIV free generation…it begins with you” making it look so cool to get tested wasn’t there. There wasn’t any nice soft drum , there was no “tooo too  too  toot um tum too too” back track that they use for that advert. There wasn’t even a group of nice looking  college students (which always has a hot light babe, dark guy in shorts and laptop and another with headphones ) with backpacks waiting on the outside to promote safe sex after the advert is done. Worst of all, that girl from the PSI adverts that I wanted ascertain the height of wasn’t there! It was just us, the queue and the conspiring couples.

That is the day when I also realised that, when Usher sang that he wanted to make love in the particular club he found comfortable enough to disrobe and perform coitus with an unidentified fertile adult female, he did not include the part that he would use or would not use protection. I saw that when 50 cent rapped on “Candy Shop” all he promised was that he would let the sugar hungry girl lick a lollipop or whatever it is that the confectionery snack was meant to be in  reference to. He did not at any instance in the song tell the girl that she would probably have to brush her teeth after that as sweets are bad for out teeth. He did not promise that she might have to go and join the nervous looking people at a local HIV testing and counselling centre or local dental clinic. 

 All the movies that have sex scenes, all the talk about getting laid, the fuss we make about Freaky Fridays, late night hook ups, friends with benefits and that need to fit in this sex crazed society always leaves out the part that, you will have to get tested. Do the math and see where I am going with this.

I wont go on about the pep talk about the A,B,C,C  to M about HIV/AIDS or the fact that they use tablets not lap tops  there, or that they are really friendly. I wont even go on about sitting outside the office just before I got that shot in the thumb from their pricky thing, my precious drop of blood and the seemingly long wait for my results.  I wont tell you much about the other hottish girl who jumped up and down ran from one end of the building floor to the next, ululating and rejoicing that she was HIV negative. I wont even tell you about the looks that people had that said, “psh, look at her jumping around, the whore…she probably has seen more clubs than Tiger Woods, she has been up and down the block that one, taking peoples husbands…mxm… the marriage wrecker..”

I wont tell you about all that because I want you to see it for your self. I will say this in that HIV FREE GENERATION advert voice. “Go to your nearest voluntary counselling and testing centre today, an HIV free generation…IT BEGINS WITH YOU”

Oh YAH..before I sign off, when we were done with the testing, we decided to take the elevator, I pressed that little button to bring the elevator to our floor, that button that glows neon green or red when u press it. I went on to stare at the digital display that showed the level at which the elevator was. When it finally got to my floor, the doors slowly opened. Standing there, looking as pretty as that head girl when we were in grade two, taller than me and darker than Maneta… you wont believe who was standing right there, here in Zimbabwe in the flesh…still taller than me..

bye

ps.. if you really didnt get that last part, the girl standing there was that PSI advert girl.. get it now!!!

Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

                                                                                                sometimes you look at the girls that always seem to like you and   wonder what beef cupid has with you

So are you just going to stand there and claim that romantic love is not by far the most silliest and fool making emotions there is in this world. How are going to stand there in a shop that smells like a rich girls handbag. A shop with the largest collection of female underwear and related clothing and scented stuff that usually would not usually be scented like “ HAPPY VALENTINES SCENTED PHONE COVERS”

… are you going to deny that love is pretty silly after finding yourself in that predicament

The NORMAL GUY

Yes, there you are standing in that lingerie shop trying to figure out what to buy for your demanding other. This is really because you asked some trusted ‘supposedly knows about women” friend what the best thing to buy a girl for valentines was, to which answered in that ‘telling you as if its an obvious answer that any breathing man should know’ type of way... “ easy, get her underwear…”. You took up that friends advice especially because of the thought of her wearing that sexy little thing that she shall later put in a picture which she will send to some stranger one day when she breaks up with you. 

                               

One thing you did not anticipate though, were the rose scented cell phone covers, but that’s  not all. It’s the shear amount of different types of underwear that are available in the shop. As the attendant asks you what size she wears, dumbfounded and with no idea, you regret not paying attention the size of her underwear and the only clue you have to show the size of your girlfriends underwear is this silly gesticulation you have with your hands held in varying distances from each other that makes it look like you are holding an invisible drum that keeps changing diameter.

 When you are asked what her favourite colour is (if you can actually even remember it) its either a very weird type of green (like mucus green) or bright yellow (pyjama yellow)  and for some strange reason you cant possibly think of her accepting a weird coloured set of panties.

She then asks you what type you want to get her, this is when you realise that you only thought three types of underwear existed , the red ones, the parachute ones (that occasionally have an unsymmetrical panty line that is clearly visible from the swaying hind side of any woman walking in front of you ) and petticoats which you still have no idea as to what purpose they serve in the world of modern clothing. On this day you are introduced to a whole new world of underwear, where there are more types of underwear than...  

The SMART GUY

Yes, we know who you are! You are the Valentines Dodger. This is how you operate. When you meet a girl, you turn into that weird poetry guy who believes that the Aborigines built the pyramids, who says “eyes are the windows of the soul and legs are the windows to everything else” and doesn’t eat meat because it hurts the chicken to be stir fried or something. This is what you usually do, you often look down upon people who place importance on Valentines day accusing them of following the crowd. You can be heard uttering statements like, “why are people sooo shallow? Why do people have to wait for some weird day to buy each other the same old gift.” Sometimes you go as far as, telling women how Valentines day is a pagan practise and the very fact that it is celebrated on the day that St Valentines DIED is just sick and twisted. This my friend, is how you have escaped ever buying anything for valentines.

The MARRIED GIRLS

Now that you cannot have a whole bunch of suitors (unless you are a whore) getting you stuff for Vals (seeing that you are married) this is all you are going to get until your husband dies when you can proceed with your whoring, if the flesh isn’t hanging too low…all you will ever get is A white teddy bear with a red heart written “I love you” on the tummy. It might come in different forms, it can be the big one that quickly turns beige after your three year old daughter uses it as her newly found friend, it might be as tiny as those ridiculously priced key holders that tell you lots of irrelevant things about your birthday like your birthstone and which white guy you were in the past life , it might not have the red heart on the tummy but on the bum, it might be a little taller than last years teddy bear but remember one thing, that’s all you are going to get, a white teddy bear with a red heart on its bloody stomach..for good!

The SINGLE GUY

Valentines day Is the best day to be single isn’t it

The SINGLE LADY

Woe to you!! I bet you must regret singing…”all my single ladies, if you like it then you have to put a ring on it” apparently no one wants to put a ring on IT, on you or on anything that smells like you. this is the worst time for you and you are often found rubbishing valentines day on a daily basis on your facebook wall. You do it every day its like those count downs to world cup openig ceremonies.."six days to valentines day...and i dont care, I am single and satisfied!" but we all know you arent.

So today and whichever other day you see this, remember that LOVE is like liqour, once you get drunk with it, you some really crazy things. Its a very costly feeling on Valentines day but for some it can be very rewarding. All I know is LIVE IT, ENJOY IT, and if she doesnt like the sky blue lingerie then well at least she might appreciate your effort.

of nice guys (the girl guide)

When I started blogging, the initial ,idea for FRESH SAYS was  for me not to be the only author of the posts. As you all know, the idea is to say things that most people are rather timid to say. The thing is, most people have to be super amazing to be able to say stuff that is rather gender sensitive or mind provoking. If you are that special breed of person, you deserve to be in the FRESH FAMILY. Today, I want to introduce you to the mind of one the members of my FRESH FAMILY. His name is Tebogo Upwardandforward Nganda. Here is what he had to say, ENJOY

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were with treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behaviour was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

 So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?" Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of a douchebag than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he's probably getting attention, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

 1.) Build a time machine.

 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your behind.

 3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

 I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've messed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the nonsense and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't want you, now.

 Sincerely, 

An observant Nice guy

TO MY DEAR DAUGHTER

                                         

                                                          

             this could have been you a couple of years ago...psh, who are we kidding, you were not     this cute as a baby..

I was walking in one of the local parks when my attention was caught by this cute little three to four year old girl running away fronm what looked like her baby sitter (probably house maid…who said Zimboz can’t have baby sitters...mxm). I just looked at that little girl as she dodged and played mischievously with her sitter and I couldn’t help but have that warm fuzzy feeling inside…I really tried suppressing the smile that slowly defeated my “fesi yebasa” ( that expression  you wear when you want form ones to call you SIR, that face a girl who you just met and probably spent the whole day with at a church meeting puts on when you grab her phone and dare to scroll her gallery as she tells you to “uh aah, give me back my phone shamari!!”, that face that you sometimes have when you are in the loo doing number two, concentrating deeply on how much tissue paper you use up on your buttocks every month…or year…depending on your contribution to the national crap load). Instantly, I thought to myself, I want have a daughter! Just as fast as that thought came, a strong voice told me…”no you don’t want to have a daughter, you want to have a son”.  Today I want to share with you what happened in my head that quickly changed my mind. I shall put it as a letter to my,( if it ever so happened ) daughter as a concerned father

Dear Daughter

I know that you might find it strange that I as your father will write a letter to you as I know you probably wont read it soon enough because you are ever so pre occupied with that phone. This is one of the reasons I am writing this letter to you. As your dad, I want what is best for you, I love you with all my heart and soul therefore everything I tell you is out of love, not spite or just being “A dad with issues” as most the children out there put it.

My daughter I am very worried about how you much you are dishonest with me. Do you think I don’t see how you will always guard your phone like overenthusiastic security guards at government banks, do you think I do not know how you will never answer your phone infront of me in the car? Do you honestly think I do not know that half the time you come out with devious ways to get money from me using school trips and seemingly innocent need as an excuse to get money to fund the purchase of skimpy dresses and skirts that you hide in that drawer that your mother has the keys to?

Do you think we don’t know what you do at those sports festivals with those boys from that other high school? My daughter, you think, I, your father and mother don’t know that you have been sexually active since you were fifteen!!!!  It’s a shame you walk around the house the house playing the good daughter and yet we know that like a book, we cant judge you by your cover?

Since its too late to tell you about certain things, I shall take it from here. You are a beautiful  and smart young lady, you have effectively been able to lie to us but that’s not the worst, its how at the end of the day you really are deceiving yourself.

My girl, “its only on rotten meat that you find the most flies”. I know the attention is desirable but when you find yourself surrounded by a congregation of different men, boys alike, you should ask yourself, “ am I not this rotten meat that papa speaks of?”  Men and boys who ,may seem like they want the best for you, will always stay around you like the smell that ushers from the toilet after your little brother exits the loo. They will try and seem innocent, they will buy you from small to big things, and they will be there for you always, until they make a temporary wife of you. That is when  they disappear like cockroaches when the light gets switched on in the kitchen.  This flock of vultures are not there to be your friends, if they were, how come they constantly ask you to disrobe and send a picture of you indecently unclothed, how come all they ever talk about is what you are wearing or why do they always ask you if you if you are feeling aroused every other night!! My daughter open your eyes and not your legs to see the mediocrity of their attention and how all they want is your treasure, or whatever else is left of it.

It shames me your father that you seem so pre absorbed with yourself. You can no longer carry out a proper conversation with me or your siblings anymore. You are always on your phone chatting, tweeting and face booking, Oh? So you thought your father was too behind on technology? I know those sights promote narcissism (go and look that up on google my daughter). You do not even take up in character building activities, you stopped playing sport, you think church is boring and you only ever enjoy it when it comes to going to those questionable church youth gatherings where the boys are more generous with hugs than old women at a large funerals, those meetings that stretch into the night like prolonged prayer sessions at local revivals at pentecostal churches. You might need to re think your life and take the right path.

I heard you fighting with your mother the other weekend about that awfully short dress that she forbade you to wear. You were angry at her for the whole week, which is rather funny because she only wanted what was right for you. What you don’t seem to understand is that, most of the looks that you are proud of, you got from your mother, those buttocks that you grew just yesterday that you are so generous to show the world, your mother had them too!! She has been your age before, what men wanted from her then is exactly what men want till today. What you have to understand is, no one will ever go to buy mealie meal at a fuel station.                                                            

What I am trying to say is, if you always dress like you want someone to have a stirring in their loins then that’s the only thing they will ever want from you, something to stop the anger in their underwear. If you sell the image for sex, then that is all people will buy from you. No man takes a prostitute seriously, since image is everything, and you desire to have a prostitutes image, then my daughter, no man will ever take you seriously!!

As I close this letter, I want you to think about this deeply. God is the only way to see you through. Pray about your friends, your company and your life. Remember, the hard ones to get are the best ones to keep but if you sell yourself cheaper than “dollar for ten bananas” then really there is no way you will ever succeed in life.

Don’t forget to study, can you please make dinner for us today and help your brother with his homework

Your father.

So as I watched the little kid run along, my heart was hit by a sadness greater than ever, the thought that this little kid could end up like the rest of the girls in my generation was too hard to bear. That’s why id rather much have a son….but eish…boys also, weed, gangs..now I’ve gotta write a letter to my son too….aagh

THE BIG HAND BAG THEORY ; whats really in that handbag

Like penises they come! , My bad, meant to say, hand bags, are like penises in that they come (I can still hear a naughty snigger in the background)... okay let’s start again. Handbags are like penises, in that they come in many different, sizes others are extremely …HUGE while some are  small , and like our beloved male naughty bits,  the handbag comes in a range of colours, shades… some, shiny, others, matte some really have no defined appearance. Again, similar to the baby maker, when it comes to the touch, they might be smooth, a bit scratchy, spotted or I just don’t know…skin like. ( the above information I got from a girl who has been around sooo a big no homo to yall)    You see, kids …, handbags after diamonds, airtime, that big boned almost overweight nice friendly, slightly loud chick called Chantelle and boyfriend’s, are a chick’s best friend.  She will always want to have one, she is fascinated by its new smell, its pockets and what a guy shall put in it. Lastly, like penises, when it comes to handbags, it’s not the size that counts..Naaah..It’s how you rock it!

As a child, I used to be fascinated by many things, from lady underwear catalogue books, remember those you would find smack in the middle of those ‘YOUR FAMILY’ magazines that had lots of hogwash on gardening and how white women should handle white husbands in white homes and stuff, yeah those, I was also intrigued by the house maid who used to run change in the room when I was inside...i shall not call that abuse, I knew what I was doing and I consented. So there. What else, yes… that was pretty much it. My life had been set to becoming some typa prepubescent pervert. Then girls discovered the hand bag…

There is this time in a girl’s life that, she loses the satchel and whatever other type of bag she used to keep her tampons in and moves onto the real McCoy of sanitary pad carrying accessories. It’s about the same time when no one is supposed to touch her bag, kind of like a pretend goody - girl making sure no one gets to see the broad experience on phone sex hidden inside her phone inbox. Am I talking to somebody??...aren’t  I... thought so.  It’s at this time that she starts smelling like your older sisters dressing table, when she spends more than the allotted pee-ing time in the loo….and by the way she  all of a sudden she starts  calling the loo, the “ladies room”…psh … who does that?

After a while when I was teen ager, my friends and I would after spending some time at one of those “functions where a whole lot of other teenagers dressed up to hook up with other dressed up teenagers all in the hope of getting  a cell number from a female teenager but usually just sticking to designated corners of embarrassment because older teenagers who had stolen nice cars from their dads made the dressed up teenagers look useless” …yes, those things, we would begin to talk about how this girl was cool because of she had a big bum or because her buttocks were huge or about the size of her rump, you know the usual. We would always get to this realisation that, heish, did you see that other chick, she was all grown up and all, she had a matching handbag! For us young boys, a girl our age who had begun to carry a hand bag was like a female social demigod with a weapon of mass destruction, kind of like a super power attained during the course of an adventure video game. We would know a girl of that calibre was one we would mess with NOT! She had come of age. A woman…agh! …all in the handbag 

Although today I have come to realise the multipurpose use of a handbag, when I was younger, okay fine, last week, a hand bag was a fake or real skin of a poor bovine species animal that had been made to look nice when carried by a human being who has breasts , wears a bra and has no penis. ( the penis part is only because some guys have breasts wear bras… and carry handbags..)

So this is what I found,  a handbag is

Practically a suitcase : girls have lots of sleep overs at males people’s houses and at female people’s houses, they never go there with a square shaped bag with two wheels and a handle lest he thinks she wants to elope…nooo, toothbrushes, two sets of underwear, soap, airtime, a picture of mom, a Nokia 1204 that the boyfriend doesn’t know about, a small blanket which really can double as a wrapping towel  and nightwear, laptop, just in case there is no electricity and ‘we wanna watch a secret lives of the Zimbabwean small house season 3 again’ and another pair of undies can all fit inthe bag with little or no effort.  I’ve tried carrying one of those and even now, my shoulder bears scars but women can carry that burdensome load all day and only complain about the sun and shoes.

It’s an office emergency package :  rainy days need umbrellas, shower caps, or a plastic bag from FOOD WORLD, lady office clothes aren’t made with a lot of pockets to keep such. These articles have to be kept somewhere just in case it rains…we need to protect the sanctity of the hair do and sacred weave.   So there you go, if you want a place to store a tiny, I swear she got it from batman coz its sooo cool, how it can look like a lip gloss thingy then just by pressing  a button it turns into a tent sized umbrella, shower cap of plastic bag from Buscod supermarket  , hand bag can be that place.                                                                                                                        

She obviously knows that her heels have a lifespan and one day they might break and we might see a fallen heroine… on the tarmac, if she could, she would keep a cobbler in the handbag but they don’t come in such sizes…pumps and other flat shoes, however, do!  At such a point in time, a handbag turns into her portable shoe cabinet, polish and all,                                                               What if, tea or coffee or that other white stuff she that she always seems to get on her blouse every time she goes to the bosses office when they are working after hoursspills on to her blouse or whatever manner of top she has got on, she needs a replacement top. .and probably an HIV test too.  Where do these go tops stay? … handbag. Tell a guy to fit in an extra pair of socks in a wallet, that would be one smelly wallet.

It’s a lip accessory bag, this is where, lip stick, lip gloss, lip balm, lip ice, lip hop are kept…and Vaseline.

It’s a mobile dressing table. You wonder how they look good all the time, maybe its magic, maybe its Maybelline. Perfume, nail polish, nail polish remover, combs, a wig, a wig remover, another comb for her best friend (aren’t they just thoughtful),a blower, she is also a moving blower too, hence she has to keep all that lip stuff. (chuckle if you get this,  and then share it on Facebook  and  twitter) and of course a mirror, you know the ones that open and contain a powdered version of her face colour, the ones that are so small she only spends so much time on the thing coz she can only see one section of the face at a time, left eye check, right eye check, upper lip check, lower lip…okay..lets put more lip stuff thereee.  You get my drift.

It’s a bin:                                                                                                                                                                 1. half the stuff in there is useless,                                                                                                                   2. clutter clutter clutter                                                                                                                                      3. and if the above isn’t true, what do you think explains them not wanting us to open it!

It looks nice on them : in as much as I might be exaggerating the use of the handbag, I have to admit that, ladies, you rock those things well. I love it when I see a girl looking all metropolitan, shades and all, earphones in her…ears I guess, lips shining in the sun, hair all done nicely walking like she is cat walking or something in those heels…handbag…  finishing it off like John Cena when he does that ‘YOU CANT SEE ME’ thing tucked neatly under her arm handle on her elbow…DAMN…matching everything else we can see and maybe that which we cant. Essentially, women have turned a bag into a clothing item for them it’s like a pair of jeans. A good pair of jeans. Congrats on that one

All the above information has made me understand a side of women (other than the back side) and I have come to consolidate what I knew and what’s on the ground. Surprisingly though, the girls I asked about what they use the handbag for told me all sorts of things they keep in it….except… they made absolutely no mention of money being kept in it. It is only now that I understand why they didn’t say so ‘WHY KEEP MONEY IN A HANDBAG…THAT’S WHAT WALLETS WERE INVENTED FOR..’ please note….its men who carry the wallet…and the bill…gotta love women!