Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

                                                                                                sometimes you look at the girls that always seem to like you and   wonder what beef cupid has with you

So are you just going to stand there and claim that romantic love is not by far the most silliest and fool making emotions there is in this world. How are going to stand there in a shop that smells like a rich girls handbag. A shop with the largest collection of female underwear and related clothing and scented stuff that usually would not usually be scented like “ HAPPY VALENTINES SCENTED PHONE COVERS”

… are you going to deny that love is pretty silly after finding yourself in that predicament

The NORMAL GUY

Yes, there you are standing in that lingerie shop trying to figure out what to buy for your demanding other. This is really because you asked some trusted ‘supposedly knows about women” friend what the best thing to buy a girl for valentines was, to which answered in that ‘telling you as if its an obvious answer that any breathing man should know’ type of way... “ easy, get her underwear…”. You took up that friends advice especially because of the thought of her wearing that sexy little thing that she shall later put in a picture which she will send to some stranger one day when she breaks up with you. 

                               

One thing you did not anticipate though, were the rose scented cell phone covers, but that’s  not all. It’s the shear amount of different types of underwear that are available in the shop. As the attendant asks you what size she wears, dumbfounded and with no idea, you regret not paying attention the size of her underwear and the only clue you have to show the size of your girlfriends underwear is this silly gesticulation you have with your hands held in varying distances from each other that makes it look like you are holding an invisible drum that keeps changing diameter.

 When you are asked what her favourite colour is (if you can actually even remember it) its either a very weird type of green (like mucus green) or bright yellow (pyjama yellow)  and for some strange reason you cant possibly think of her accepting a weird coloured set of panties.

She then asks you what type you want to get her, this is when you realise that you only thought three types of underwear existed , the red ones, the parachute ones (that occasionally have an unsymmetrical panty line that is clearly visible from the swaying hind side of any woman walking in front of you ) and petticoats which you still have no idea as to what purpose they serve in the world of modern clothing. On this day you are introduced to a whole new world of underwear, where there are more types of underwear than...  

The SMART GUY

Yes, we know who you are! You are the Valentines Dodger. This is how you operate. When you meet a girl, you turn into that weird poetry guy who believes that the Aborigines built the pyramids, who says “eyes are the windows of the soul and legs are the windows to everything else” and doesn’t eat meat because it hurts the chicken to be stir fried or something. This is what you usually do, you often look down upon people who place importance on Valentines day accusing them of following the crowd. You can be heard uttering statements like, “why are people sooo shallow? Why do people have to wait for some weird day to buy each other the same old gift.” Sometimes you go as far as, telling women how Valentines day is a pagan practise and the very fact that it is celebrated on the day that St Valentines DIED is just sick and twisted. This my friend, is how you have escaped ever buying anything for valentines.

The MARRIED GIRLS

Now that you cannot have a whole bunch of suitors (unless you are a whore) getting you stuff for Vals (seeing that you are married) this is all you are going to get until your husband dies when you can proceed with your whoring, if the flesh isn’t hanging too low…all you will ever get is A white teddy bear with a red heart written “I love you” on the tummy. It might come in different forms, it can be the big one that quickly turns beige after your three year old daughter uses it as her newly found friend, it might be as tiny as those ridiculously priced key holders that tell you lots of irrelevant things about your birthday like your birthstone and which white guy you were in the past life , it might not have the red heart on the tummy but on the bum, it might be a little taller than last years teddy bear but remember one thing, that’s all you are going to get, a white teddy bear with a red heart on its bloody stomach..for good!

The SINGLE GUY

Valentines day Is the best day to be single isn’t it

The SINGLE LADY

Woe to you!! I bet you must regret singing…”all my single ladies, if you like it then you have to put a ring on it” apparently no one wants to put a ring on IT, on you or on anything that smells like you. this is the worst time for you and you are often found rubbishing valentines day on a daily basis on your facebook wall. You do it every day its like those count downs to world cup openig ceremonies.."six days to valentines day...and i dont care, I am single and satisfied!" but we all know you arent.

So today and whichever other day you see this, remember that LOVE is like liqour, once you get drunk with it, you some really crazy things. Its a very costly feeling on Valentines day but for some it can be very rewarding. All I know is LIVE IT, ENJOY IT, and if she doesnt like the sky blue lingerie then well at least she might appreciate your effort.