A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE (its not an O'level one though)

A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE…  (its not an O’ level one though)

if we dont stop spreading HIV, this is what queues will look like when people are told that whoever is HIV positive gets $147.56

Here I was at an HIV testing center with two of my best buds. What were we doing there? Well, we wanted to see if that chick from the PSI advert is taller in person of course!!!.  When we got there we found out that she actually wasn’t from Zimbabwe and the advert was shot in one of those countries where the soccer teams get to the African Cup of Nations finals and the normal adult male is either really tall and big or big and dark or just really dark. Weird though, when we got there, there was this long queue of “worried sick!!” looking people. They all looked at us with that, “so you want to get tested too huh? Why do you want to get tested huh? Is it something you did on Friday huh? Is it that girl from that club huh!! Don’t you just wish you had stayed at home and watched that movie huh?” .the way they all simultaneously looked at us made me feel like I had just jumped into an exclusively VAMPIRES ONLY club and they had just smelt fresh day walker blood… In my head, the answer was, ‘NO! I JUST WANT TO SEE IF THAT GIRL FROM THE PSI ADVERT IS TALLER THAN ME…WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? …and YES I HAVE GARLIC, A CROSS AND A SILVER TWO RAND COIN, DON'T MESS WITH ME!!”

I didn’t really say that though.  The queue had some of the hottest girls EVER, it also had some very worried looking couples. I don’t know why though, but in those couples, the girl always had that look that said, “ if I am HIV positive chete ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!” There were also some couples where the guy had this smug look that made my friends and I think that the dude had been tested two weeks before, found out he was negative then went to his girlfriend to ask her to go and get tested with him… just to freak the poor girl out or to see if the girl would have that worried look or to see if the girl would be more forthcoming to the task than when you ask a girl to pick what she wants in an imagenery airtime shop (of course I was going to take a shot at girls, would I be FRESH if I did not talk about goldiggers).

The hot girls in the queue…what can I say,  “lets see if your looks can kill a virus bleeegh!!” . There was a general bleak feel in the air, even us guys became nervous. That’s when I realised that the guy who does the voice over for “an HIV free generation…it begins with you” making it look so cool to get tested wasn’t there. There wasn’t any nice soft drum , there was no “tooo too  too  toot um tum too too” back track that they use for that advert. There wasn’t even a group of nice looking  college students (which always has a hot light babe, dark guy in shorts and laptop and another with headphones ) with backpacks waiting on the outside to promote safe sex after the advert is done. Worst of all, that girl from the PSI adverts that I wanted ascertain the height of wasn’t there! It was just us, the queue and the conspiring couples.

That is the day when I also realised that, when Usher sang that he wanted to make love in the particular club he found comfortable enough to disrobe and perform coitus with an unidentified fertile adult female, he did not include the part that he would use or would not use protection. I saw that when 50 cent rapped on “Candy Shop” all he promised was that he would let the sugar hungry girl lick a lollipop or whatever it is that the confectionery snack was meant to be in  reference to. He did not at any instance in the song tell the girl that she would probably have to brush her teeth after that as sweets are bad for out teeth. He did not promise that she might have to go and join the nervous looking people at a local HIV testing and counselling centre or local dental clinic. 

 All the movies that have sex scenes, all the talk about getting laid, the fuss we make about Freaky Fridays, late night hook ups, friends with benefits and that need to fit in this sex crazed society always leaves out the part that, you will have to get tested. Do the math and see where I am going with this.

I wont go on about the pep talk about the A,B,C,C  to M about HIV/AIDS or the fact that they use tablets not lap tops  there, or that they are really friendly. I wont even go on about sitting outside the office just before I got that shot in the thumb from their pricky thing, my precious drop of blood and the seemingly long wait for my results.  I wont tell you much about the other hottish girl who jumped up and down ran from one end of the building floor to the next, ululating and rejoicing that she was HIV negative. I wont even tell you about the looks that people had that said, “psh, look at her jumping around, the whore…she probably has seen more clubs than Tiger Woods, she has been up and down the block that one, taking peoples husbands…mxm… the marriage wrecker..”

I wont tell you about all that because I want you to see it for your self. I will say this in that HIV FREE GENERATION advert voice. “Go to your nearest voluntary counselling and testing centre today, an HIV free generation…IT BEGINS WITH YOU”

Oh YAH..before I sign off, when we were done with the testing, we decided to take the elevator, I pressed that little button to bring the elevator to our floor, that button that glows neon green or red when u press it. I went on to stare at the digital display that showed the level at which the elevator was. When it finally got to my floor, the doors slowly opened. Standing there, looking as pretty as that head girl when we were in grade two, taller than me and darker than Maneta… you wont believe who was standing right there, here in Zimbabwe in the flesh…still taller than me..

bye

ps.. if you really didnt get that last part, the girl standing there was that PSI advert girl.. get it now!!!

Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

Love and other Alcoholic Beverages

                                                                                                sometimes you look at the girls that always seem to like you and   wonder what beef cupid has with you

So are you just going to stand there and claim that romantic love is not by far the most silliest and fool making emotions there is in this world. How are going to stand there in a shop that smells like a rich girls handbag. A shop with the largest collection of female underwear and related clothing and scented stuff that usually would not usually be scented like “ HAPPY VALENTINES SCENTED PHONE COVERS”

… are you going to deny that love is pretty silly after finding yourself in that predicament

The NORMAL GUY

Yes, there you are standing in that lingerie shop trying to figure out what to buy for your demanding other. This is really because you asked some trusted ‘supposedly knows about women” friend what the best thing to buy a girl for valentines was, to which answered in that ‘telling you as if its an obvious answer that any breathing man should know’ type of way... “ easy, get her underwear…”. You took up that friends advice especially because of the thought of her wearing that sexy little thing that she shall later put in a picture which she will send to some stranger one day when she breaks up with you. 

                               

One thing you did not anticipate though, were the rose scented cell phone covers, but that’s  not all. It’s the shear amount of different types of underwear that are available in the shop. As the attendant asks you what size she wears, dumbfounded and with no idea, you regret not paying attention the size of her underwear and the only clue you have to show the size of your girlfriends underwear is this silly gesticulation you have with your hands held in varying distances from each other that makes it look like you are holding an invisible drum that keeps changing diameter.

 When you are asked what her favourite colour is (if you can actually even remember it) its either a very weird type of green (like mucus green) or bright yellow (pyjama yellow)  and for some strange reason you cant possibly think of her accepting a weird coloured set of panties.

She then asks you what type you want to get her, this is when you realise that you only thought three types of underwear existed , the red ones, the parachute ones (that occasionally have an unsymmetrical panty line that is clearly visible from the swaying hind side of any woman walking in front of you ) and petticoats which you still have no idea as to what purpose they serve in the world of modern clothing. On this day you are introduced to a whole new world of underwear, where there are more types of underwear than...  

The SMART GUY

Yes, we know who you are! You are the Valentines Dodger. This is how you operate. When you meet a girl, you turn into that weird poetry guy who believes that the Aborigines built the pyramids, who says “eyes are the windows of the soul and legs are the windows to everything else” and doesn’t eat meat because it hurts the chicken to be stir fried or something. This is what you usually do, you often look down upon people who place importance on Valentines day accusing them of following the crowd. You can be heard uttering statements like, “why are people sooo shallow? Why do people have to wait for some weird day to buy each other the same old gift.” Sometimes you go as far as, telling women how Valentines day is a pagan practise and the very fact that it is celebrated on the day that St Valentines DIED is just sick and twisted. This my friend, is how you have escaped ever buying anything for valentines.

The MARRIED GIRLS

Now that you cannot have a whole bunch of suitors (unless you are a whore) getting you stuff for Vals (seeing that you are married) this is all you are going to get until your husband dies when you can proceed with your whoring, if the flesh isn’t hanging too low…all you will ever get is A white teddy bear with a red heart written “I love you” on the tummy. It might come in different forms, it can be the big one that quickly turns beige after your three year old daughter uses it as her newly found friend, it might be as tiny as those ridiculously priced key holders that tell you lots of irrelevant things about your birthday like your birthstone and which white guy you were in the past life , it might not have the red heart on the tummy but on the bum, it might be a little taller than last years teddy bear but remember one thing, that’s all you are going to get, a white teddy bear with a red heart on its bloody stomach..for good!

The SINGLE GUY

Valentines day Is the best day to be single isn’t it

The SINGLE LADY

Woe to you!! I bet you must regret singing…”all my single ladies, if you like it then you have to put a ring on it” apparently no one wants to put a ring on IT, on you or on anything that smells like you. this is the worst time for you and you are often found rubbishing valentines day on a daily basis on your facebook wall. You do it every day its like those count downs to world cup openig ceremonies.."six days to valentines day...and i dont care, I am single and satisfied!" but we all know you arent.

So today and whichever other day you see this, remember that LOVE is like liqour, once you get drunk with it, you some really crazy things. Its a very costly feeling on Valentines day but for some it can be very rewarding. All I know is LIVE IT, ENJOY IT, and if she doesnt like the sky blue lingerie then well at least she might appreciate your effort.

of nice guys (the girl guide)

When I started blogging, the initial ,idea for FRESH SAYS was  for me not to be the only author of the posts. As you all know, the idea is to say things that most people are rather timid to say. The thing is, most people have to be super amazing to be able to say stuff that is rather gender sensitive or mind provoking. If you are that special breed of person, you deserve to be in the FRESH FAMILY. Today, I want to introduce you to the mind of one the members of my FRESH FAMILY. His name is Tebogo Upwardandforward Nganda. Here is what he had to say, ENJOY

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were with treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behaviour was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

 So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?" Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of a douchebag than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he's probably getting attention, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

 1.) Build a time machine.

 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your behind.

 3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

 I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've messed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the nonsense and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't want you, now.

 Sincerely, 

An observant Nice guy

TO MY DEAR DAUGHTER

                                         

                                                          

             this could have been you a couple of years ago...psh, who are we kidding, you were not     this cute as a baby..

I was walking in one of the local parks when my attention was caught by this cute little three to four year old girl running away fronm what looked like her baby sitter (probably house maid…who said Zimboz can’t have baby sitters...mxm). I just looked at that little girl as she dodged and played mischievously with her sitter and I couldn’t help but have that warm fuzzy feeling inside…I really tried suppressing the smile that slowly defeated my “fesi yebasa” ( that expression  you wear when you want form ones to call you SIR, that face a girl who you just met and probably spent the whole day with at a church meeting puts on when you grab her phone and dare to scroll her gallery as she tells you to “uh aah, give me back my phone shamari!!”, that face that you sometimes have when you are in the loo doing number two, concentrating deeply on how much tissue paper you use up on your buttocks every month…or year…depending on your contribution to the national crap load). Instantly, I thought to myself, I want have a daughter! Just as fast as that thought came, a strong voice told me…”no you don’t want to have a daughter, you want to have a son”.  Today I want to share with you what happened in my head that quickly changed my mind. I shall put it as a letter to my,( if it ever so happened ) daughter as a concerned father

Dear Daughter

I know that you might find it strange that I as your father will write a letter to you as I know you probably wont read it soon enough because you are ever so pre occupied with that phone. This is one of the reasons I am writing this letter to you. As your dad, I want what is best for you, I love you with all my heart and soul therefore everything I tell you is out of love, not spite or just being “A dad with issues” as most the children out there put it.

My daughter I am very worried about how you much you are dishonest with me. Do you think I don’t see how you will always guard your phone like overenthusiastic security guards at government banks, do you think I do not know how you will never answer your phone infront of me in the car? Do you honestly think I do not know that half the time you come out with devious ways to get money from me using school trips and seemingly innocent need as an excuse to get money to fund the purchase of skimpy dresses and skirts that you hide in that drawer that your mother has the keys to?

Do you think we don’t know what you do at those sports festivals with those boys from that other high school? My daughter, you think, I, your father and mother don’t know that you have been sexually active since you were fifteen!!!!  It’s a shame you walk around the house the house playing the good daughter and yet we know that like a book, we cant judge you by your cover?

Since its too late to tell you about certain things, I shall take it from here. You are a beautiful  and smart young lady, you have effectively been able to lie to us but that’s not the worst, its how at the end of the day you really are deceiving yourself.

My girl, “its only on rotten meat that you find the most flies”. I know the attention is desirable but when you find yourself surrounded by a congregation of different men, boys alike, you should ask yourself, “ am I not this rotten meat that papa speaks of?”  Men and boys who ,may seem like they want the best for you, will always stay around you like the smell that ushers from the toilet after your little brother exits the loo. They will try and seem innocent, they will buy you from small to big things, and they will be there for you always, until they make a temporary wife of you. That is when  they disappear like cockroaches when the light gets switched on in the kitchen.  This flock of vultures are not there to be your friends, if they were, how come they constantly ask you to disrobe and send a picture of you indecently unclothed, how come all they ever talk about is what you are wearing or why do they always ask you if you if you are feeling aroused every other night!! My daughter open your eyes and not your legs to see the mediocrity of their attention and how all they want is your treasure, or whatever else is left of it.

It shames me your father that you seem so pre absorbed with yourself. You can no longer carry out a proper conversation with me or your siblings anymore. You are always on your phone chatting, tweeting and face booking, Oh? So you thought your father was too behind on technology? I know those sights promote narcissism (go and look that up on google my daughter). You do not even take up in character building activities, you stopped playing sport, you think church is boring and you only ever enjoy it when it comes to going to those questionable church youth gatherings where the boys are more generous with hugs than old women at a large funerals, those meetings that stretch into the night like prolonged prayer sessions at local revivals at pentecostal churches. You might need to re think your life and take the right path.

I heard you fighting with your mother the other weekend about that awfully short dress that she forbade you to wear. You were angry at her for the whole week, which is rather funny because she only wanted what was right for you. What you don’t seem to understand is that, most of the looks that you are proud of, you got from your mother, those buttocks that you grew just yesterday that you are so generous to show the world, your mother had them too!! She has been your age before, what men wanted from her then is exactly what men want till today. What you have to understand is, no one will ever go to buy mealie meal at a fuel station.                                                            

What I am trying to say is, if you always dress like you want someone to have a stirring in their loins then that’s the only thing they will ever want from you, something to stop the anger in their underwear. If you sell the image for sex, then that is all people will buy from you. No man takes a prostitute seriously, since image is everything, and you desire to have a prostitutes image, then my daughter, no man will ever take you seriously!!

As I close this letter, I want you to think about this deeply. God is the only way to see you through. Pray about your friends, your company and your life. Remember, the hard ones to get are the best ones to keep but if you sell yourself cheaper than “dollar for ten bananas” then really there is no way you will ever succeed in life.

Don’t forget to study, can you please make dinner for us today and help your brother with his homework

Your father.

So as I watched the little kid run along, my heart was hit by a sadness greater than ever, the thought that this little kid could end up like the rest of the girls in my generation was too hard to bear. That’s why id rather much have a son….but eish…boys also, weed, gangs..now I’ve gotta write a letter to my son too….aagh