A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE (its not an O'level one though)

A TEST YOU HAVE TO TAKE…  (its not an O’ level one though)

if we dont stop spreading HIV, this is what queues will look like when people are told that whoever is HIV positive gets $147.56

Here I was at an HIV testing center with two of my best buds. What were we doing there? Well, we wanted to see if that chick from the PSI advert is taller in person of course!!!.  When we got there we found out that she actually wasn’t from Zimbabwe and the advert was shot in one of those countries where the soccer teams get to the African Cup of Nations finals and the normal adult male is either really tall and big or big and dark or just really dark. Weird though, when we got there, there was this long queue of “worried sick!!” looking people. They all looked at us with that, “so you want to get tested too huh? Why do you want to get tested huh? Is it something you did on Friday huh? Is it that girl from that club huh!! Don’t you just wish you had stayed at home and watched that movie huh?” .the way they all simultaneously looked at us made me feel like I had just jumped into an exclusively VAMPIRES ONLY club and they had just smelt fresh day walker blood… In my head, the answer was, ‘NO! I JUST WANT TO SEE IF THAT GIRL FROM THE PSI ADVERT IS TALLER THAN ME…WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? …and YES I HAVE GARLIC, A CROSS AND A SILVER TWO RAND COIN, DON'T MESS WITH ME!!”

I didn’t really say that though.  The queue had some of the hottest girls EVER, it also had some very worried looking couples. I don’t know why though, but in those couples, the girl always had that look that said, “ if I am HIV positive chete ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!” There were also some couples where the guy had this smug look that made my friends and I think that the dude had been tested two weeks before, found out he was negative then went to his girlfriend to ask her to go and get tested with him… just to freak the poor girl out or to see if the girl would have that worried look or to see if the girl would be more forthcoming to the task than when you ask a girl to pick what she wants in an imagenery airtime shop (of course I was going to take a shot at girls, would I be FRESH if I did not talk about goldiggers).

The hot girls in the queue…what can I say,  “lets see if your looks can kill a virus bleeegh!!” . There was a general bleak feel in the air, even us guys became nervous. That’s when I realised that the guy who does the voice over for “an HIV free generation…it begins with you” making it look so cool to get tested wasn’t there. There wasn’t any nice soft drum , there was no “tooo too  too  toot um tum too too” back track that they use for that advert. There wasn’t even a group of nice looking  college students (which always has a hot light babe, dark guy in shorts and laptop and another with headphones ) with backpacks waiting on the outside to promote safe sex after the advert is done. Worst of all, that girl from the PSI adverts that I wanted ascertain the height of wasn’t there! It was just us, the queue and the conspiring couples.

That is the day when I also realised that, when Usher sang that he wanted to make love in the particular club he found comfortable enough to disrobe and perform coitus with an unidentified fertile adult female, he did not include the part that he would use or would not use protection. I saw that when 50 cent rapped on “Candy Shop” all he promised was that he would let the sugar hungry girl lick a lollipop or whatever it is that the confectionery snack was meant to be in  reference to. He did not at any instance in the song tell the girl that she would probably have to brush her teeth after that as sweets are bad for out teeth. He did not promise that she might have to go and join the nervous looking people at a local HIV testing and counselling centre or local dental clinic. 

 All the movies that have sex scenes, all the talk about getting laid, the fuss we make about Freaky Fridays, late night hook ups, friends with benefits and that need to fit in this sex crazed society always leaves out the part that, you will have to get tested. Do the math and see where I am going with this.

I wont go on about the pep talk about the A,B,C,C  to M about HIV/AIDS or the fact that they use tablets not lap tops  there, or that they are really friendly. I wont even go on about sitting outside the office just before I got that shot in the thumb from their pricky thing, my precious drop of blood and the seemingly long wait for my results.  I wont tell you much about the other hottish girl who jumped up and down ran from one end of the building floor to the next, ululating and rejoicing that she was HIV negative. I wont even tell you about the looks that people had that said, “psh, look at her jumping around, the whore…she probably has seen more clubs than Tiger Woods, she has been up and down the block that one, taking peoples husbands…mxm… the marriage wrecker..”

I wont tell you about all that because I want you to see it for your self. I will say this in that HIV FREE GENERATION advert voice. “Go to your nearest voluntary counselling and testing centre today, an HIV free generation…IT BEGINS WITH YOU”

Oh YAH..before I sign off, when we were done with the testing, we decided to take the elevator, I pressed that little button to bring the elevator to our floor, that button that glows neon green or red when u press it. I went on to stare at the digital display that showed the level at which the elevator was. When it finally got to my floor, the doors slowly opened. Standing there, looking as pretty as that head girl when we were in grade two, taller than me and darker than Maneta… you wont believe who was standing right there, here in Zimbabwe in the flesh…still taller than me..

bye

ps.. if you really didnt get that last part, the girl standing there was that PSI advert girl.. get it now!!!